August so far

Monday, 7p.m.-10 p.m. There was a casting call for Cosmic Trip 2. I don't understand much about the project, but it was held at the South Street Seaport. I met a friend there, the British guy I met in Times Square during the casting for the MTV/Nivea project. He took the subway down after work. The call was being held at Pier 17 on the top level at a pub called MacMenamin's. We got there early and sat at the bar. One of my most favorite parts about my pursuits are the interesting characters. The eclectic group of individuals that poured in was truly amazing. A few came in pairs, but most showed up alone and sat in a mass of chairs, not ordering anything. A notebook was sent around in a disorganized effort to have everyone's name recorded. Jac, a skinny Jamaican, came around and briefly interviewed everyone. The questions caught me off guard-- "what are your hobbies? Are you artistic?" as well as some questions about my on-air experience. He ran off some information really quickly about how they'll be calling people back within the next few days and in about 30 minutes some of the stars of the film will be showing up, but I didn't have to wait around for that... I was confused. I walked Adam out, posed for a pic or two on the balcony overlooking the water. Adam and I stood outside looking in the window of the pub watching the people. The guy tapping an unlit cigarette on the table, a girl powdering her nose with a compact mirror... we commented how funny it was that not one of them glanced out the window while we were watching them. After sending Adam off I went back inside, where Jac dismissed me.

Those characters were just a prelude to the debauchery I would experience the next day.

Tuesday, 1 p.m.-4 p.m. The Sex and the City 2 OPEN CALL on West 18th Street. Never seen anything like it before in my life. The line twisted around 3 corners--therefore humans filled 3 and a half blocks outside the building. That doesn't include the mob the overflowed from inside the Metropolitian Pavilion. My girlfriend called me while I was on the train to tell me about it. "Sex and the City open call!" she declared, thinking she was informing me. "I'm on my way!!!" I responded... When we arrived in Penn Station, a muscular gay black guy approached me and said, "are you going to the sex and the city thing?" he had overheard me on the phone... so off we went. As we walked through Penn, I spotted a talllll SKINNY blonde and I whispered to my new friend, "let's just follow her" I was half joking.. she made a few turns I didn't understand, but we ended up on the 1 Downtown and she was there... she got off at 18th Street... and we did end up following her to number 135--the Pavilion. Then we kept walking...and walking...and walking to find the end of the line. There were plenty of employees keeping the area well patroled.

We got on the end of the line and immediately began natural conversations with the people around us. There was a group of girls in front of us, all in their mid20's--a Yugoslovian native who has lived here for most of her life, a redheaded American dancer from Ohio, and an Asian-American law student. There was a man behind me, he must have been in his early 70's, or I might be willing to say late 60's, who was very friendly. He LOOKED like an actor, you know? Silver hair, serious face, strong presence. He was a retired engineer who harbored aspirations of being a dancer when he was little. His parents scorned him, "you're not gonna be a queer." That was the end of that. So he opted for the safe, secure workforce...put in his time, raised his kids, put them through college, and retired. Now he's doing what he wants...and boy is he ever going for it! He's from Alexandria, Virginia! And came to NYC just for the casting call... that's dedication. I so hope he makes it. There were two more old men who came together--Mario and Dominique. Real New Yorkers, these two. Boisterous, funny, outgoing... they had met on a movie set and exchanged numbers. Partners in Crime these two... Dom had been a police officer for years...idk what Mario's story was, haha... Talking with all of these people made time fly. Finally we got into the building. The process inside was extremely disorderly. There was a table with thousands of bright yellow forms we were each to take. We were hurried further inside and filled out the forms on eachothers backs, borrowing each others pens, etc. We got cut so many times. My silver-haired friend left us in the dust, haha... that's okay. He knew what he needed to do and was not going to be distracted. It was confusing, all of a sudden new people were in front of us... especially after turning corners. Mysterious. An attractive, rich-looking middle-aged blonde woman complained about the disarray. A gay guy who was on the other side of the ropes facing her leaned over and quipped, "if you're trying out for the part of an angry New Yorker, you got it." My new friends and I watched wide-eyed. She ignored him...he repeated himself. She opened her arms into a shrug and retorted, "Are you talking to me???" He confirmed--"Yeah!" to which she inquired, "Why??? I don't know you..." Taken aback, he left it at that for a minute, then quietly concluded, "if there's a part for a bitch you got that too." She just summed it up by saying to her friend, "this guy is just insulting me and I don't know why..." That was entertaining. In my passive-aggressive confrontational way, I started saying to my friends (in her ear, because we were all packed close together,) "I don't understand how they got in front of us... I don't believe this. In Pittsburgh we would say, 'Oh I'm sorry, you were in front of me...' " In her classy, slightly uppity manner she turned and said, "Are you from Pittsburgh?" I nodded... "I'm from Fox Chapel" she informed... that made sense. Ridiculously wealthy area... but at any rate, we chatted about our home town. She had gone to Carnegie Melon and met her husband, a Pitt alum, in New York! Funny. She had gone to Grad School at Fordham in NY. She was actually quite nice to myself, Dom and Mario--by this time, the rest of our clan were well ahead of us!

After I had been in line for over an hour meeting new friends, my girlfriend arrived from Jersey. Dom helped her sneak into the line. oh shut up, you can't beat em so you might as well join em. Yeah it was wrong but that's the way of surviving in NY. .. .. .

The heat was unbearable. The massive room was separated by a divider. There was a small opening and a man in a suit directing people in groups of a couple dozen through... the entire mass of people had to be funneled through the small space. We kept trying to peak around the divider and anticipate what was on the other side. Well it was a large open space with hundreds of folding chairs that no one was using and 6 well-maintained lines. you could pick whatever line you wanted... there were 6 tables and people sitting there taking the yellow forms, writing something on them REALLY QUICKLY, and putting it on the pile. Then someone snapped our digital picture. That was ITTTT. No questions, no reading. The actual casting call took 9 seconds. This was the type of situation my parents warned me about when I was little, after waiting for 3 hours with hundreds and hundreds of other hopefuls, it all came down to being in front of important people for less than a minute.

We were ushed outside fast... another girl and a sat down on the steps to change our shoes back from fancy high-heals to comfy flip-flops. She asked me, "weren't you at the South Street Seaport casting last night??" haha.. funny. Dom and Mario hugged me and wished me luck, and my girlfriend and I went out for lunch...where we ran into the Ohio girl, Asian and Yugoslavic girl and the black gay guy having lunch!

When I got "home" I recieved an email to be an extra next Wed. Thurs. and Friday in Jersey for Just Wright, which after some research I learned is a motion picture starring Queen Latifah. And here's the best part-- I get paid 79.85 everyday!!!! It's all official--I have to confirm and after that I will be "booked." Which means under contract... How exciting!!!! Today I am all dressed as a "hipster." I have to be in Brooklyn (Park Slope) at a bar to be an extra for an indie film. No pay. What the hell is a hipster??? I hope what I have on works. Gotta go...

EXTRA interesting day.......

*Please always keep in mind that the reason why my photos of these events are always so crappy is because I keep the flash off and take them very quickly. So they are often dark and blurry, because I want to be as unobtrusive as possible on set.

The Connecticut trip. It was a beautiful day. Call time was 11:30 a.m. The ad read, "NO LATER THAN 12 TO GUARANTEE CAMERA TIME." I left the house at 9:20...got on the Cross Island Parkway and headed across the Frogs Neck Bridge, past Westchester County and beyond the exits for New Rochelle (Rob and Laura's hometown from Dick Van Dyke..can't tell you how thrilled that made me!) I entered Connecticut at around 10:40, and found my way to Stamford shortly thereafter. It was a quaint northeastern town. Pretty cookie-cutter, but enjoyable and lovely nonetheless, especially on a sunny summer day. The only problem was parking... it was one of those towns comprised of one-way streets, meters and parking garages to make it as inconvenient as possible to get out of your vehicle and walk around. Far from a hassel-free experience. I drove around and settled on a Macy's parking garage, which required 75 cents for 4 hours. The shoot was supposed to last about 8. Disgruntled, I left the car, deposited the coins and set off on foot to find the Butterfield 8 Lounge. Once I found it, I entered at the same time as a girl about my age. I could tell by the way she was dressed--yuppie business attire--that she was responding to the same ad as me. We took a seat at the bar. The tender was very nice and accommodating, albeit clueless as to the project, except for the fact that there was filming last night and yes, they were expected back again today... but "mmmaybe around noon?" We each got a diet coke and flipped through a newspaper. At the end of the bar were two gorgeous boys.... mm-mm-mm damn, they don't grow em like that in western Pennsylvania! Not my type though...I actually go for average looking guys with sweet dispositions and old-fashioned manners. To ask for too much is to ask for disappointment. At any rate, later we were joined by two more people dressed for the part, a man and a woman. And later one more guy. So there were 6 of us, and very few patrons in the restaurant.

FINALLY after waiting for 2 hours, the crew arrived and we were permitted upstairs. The entire upstairs area of the lounge was rented out by HBO. There was a snack table and a kitchen crew cooking in the back. The mundane looking lounge was transformed into a SET within minutes. The entire back wall was comprised of floor-to-cielling windows, which made the space seem bright and airy. They errected a huuuuge black curtain sufficient to cover every ounce of light! To compensate, they set up studio lights. The make-up artist set up shop in the back corner, and begged for a light by her so she could see what she was doing. Across the room the actors congregated in a booth and practiced lines.

All the while we watched and observed the actors get their make-up done. The other girl and I were jealous!!!! There were two young, skinny (shocker) female actresses, and 3 male actors. They were all very focused and 'In the zone.' It was as though there was an invisible wall separating us from them... They did not look at us AT ALL, although we were 5 feet away, talking and laughing. The makeup artist was boisterous and amusing.

One of the hot guys (who was European by the way, Lithuanian to be exact... which makes sense. California and Europe breed the best looking guys, what can I say...) had the confidence to approach one of the actors and request a script, as all of us extras were curious to know what the scene--and the series!--was about. We all flipped through the thick script to find the scene with the set description "Lounge" in the beginning. We found it and were shocked by how SHORT it was!

The casting director came up to us and introduced herself, thanked us for coming, and told us to help ourselves to the food and to let her know if we needed anything. She also asked us to call our friends and invite them--fun day, free food and 25 dollars cash...in other words, they didn't have enough extras and she would like some help doing her job. The girl called her boyfriend and sister, one of the guys called his girlfriend and a friend--who all said no, and the hot guys got a friend to come. Oh, the other 5 extras were FROM THE AREA..surrounding towns. Besides the cast and crew, I was the only one who came from New York. Soon there were many of us. We walked around mingling with the crew--the sound guy, the script supervisor, the makeup artist! --who had some FUN stories about some of the celebs she's done..doesn't matter if she was telling us the truth, we laughed and had a great time.

The casting director called across the room--WHICH TWO EXTRAS ARE GONNA DO THE MAKE-OUT SCENE? We laughed, thinking it was a joke.......... hours later (literally) when the production got off the ground, the director asked us the same question. None of us really knew (awkward moment!) At this point, we were all friends, but... not that close! He then looked at another girl and I and suggested a girl/girl kiss scene...... My initial reaction was "no no, hell no, no way." He coaxed, "Guaranteed air time......" that's a low blow. The other girl just giggled while I stood with a disgusted expression. So I came off as the uptight prude and some other girl volunteered. I still don't know if I regret saying no more than I would have regretted saying yes....... That's what this business does to you. It distorts your perception. I turned this occurance into a facebook status (obviously) and asked for my friend's opinions. First of all, it should come as no surprise that I got AS MUCH attention and feedback as a result of that posting as I did on my birthday. Just the mention of a "girl-girl kiss" stirs so much excitement that, as poorly as this reflects on our society, it might be the only way for a girl like me, armed with no connections and only a dream, to get noticed. I was on an HBO pilot set and had the director talking to ME...but because of those pesky, obtrusive MORALS, I didn't get much more out of it than $25 bucks. A lot of my friends said, "It's just acting..you're playing a part.. MOST successful actresses of our time have done a girl-girl kiss..." Sad, true story.

The 5 MAIN actors performed their scene, which took place in the corner of the lounge in a booth with surrounding tables. Some people were chosen to sit at the tables behind the actors or next to them, but I was watching the prompter, and only 1 guy got face time over the shoulder of a speaking actor.. pretending to be talking to someone who wasn't there. They shot the scene from several different angles many times until the other extras and I could recite the scene. In between takes they turned the air conditioner and the fan on, but we were still all wilting from the sweltering heat.

The kitchen brought out a hot meal of chicken tacos and rice..... Then they began to set up the hallway scene where the dreaded but much anticipated kissing scene would take place. I went for a walk and fed the meter... thinking about my hasty decision to opt out of the lesbian lip action. On one hand, it's NOT me. But then again, it's not supposed to be... it's acting. It could've been my big break. After all, it's sad commentary on society BUT an incontrivertable fact that girl/girl kissing PUTS ASSES IN THE SEATS. It gets attention...and when you're trying to break into the business, attention is invaluable. Sex sells, but at what price? I never want to sell myself short. And why do WOMEN always have to be the sex objects? Well, because men are simple-minded enough to fall for it. I'm not going to CHANGE this trend, so I might as well take advantage of it and cash in! (in case you haven't caught on, this was my internal monologue on that walk to and from the car,) But then again, would I even WANT that as my big break? Would I want a career that was started by a degrading 25 dollar slutty make-out scene? Better than being a waitress, perpetually knocking on doors.... once my ex said, "Don't do anything demeaning, your pride and self respect is more important than money or noteriety. You've got your head in the clouds about fame and fortune, you don't get it..I admire people leading simple lives in small towns across America, with honorable jobs like teachers and dentists." To which I retorted, "You can admire the HELL out of them... you just don't know who they are. That won't be me." I'd rather be KNOWN for something unfavorable than be unknown for living honorably... not that I want to be infamous, because I could've blown up a preschool or joined the adult film industry years ago.... but you get the jist.

By the time I returned the hallway was all set up. It was tight and narrow, with a camera on one end and lates all over. The girl and the sexy guy were positioned towards the back, behind where the actress would stand to deliver a monologue. They were cued to make out from ACTION until CUT. Myself and one of the other male extras were positioned right between the Restrooms, poised to walk past the actress as she delivers her lines. I was the short one, so I stood ni front of him and walked out first, pretending to talk to him (mouthing some nonsense,) as he nods and follows closely behind. Well, we were there for about an hour doing it over and over again, walking back and fourth. The actress performed in Russian as well, idk why... but they got all different takes. I made sure to time my walk when she was saying something pertinent that would NOT be cut out! hahaha... Meanwhile, the two kissy-faces were at it the entire time! Thank God I said no, that would've been awkward as hell. It wasn't just a peck...it was an hour of making out in minute-long intervals! pass, thanks.

Two of the extras were never asked to appear on camera in any way. However, we all signed releases and were all paid 25 dollars. Yes, the Frogs Neck Bridge costs 5.50 each way and we all know 56 miles of gas is no joke...so I'm sure I profitted very little from the experience--MONETARILY. However, it was immensely satisfying to finally get PAID. It doesn't matter the sum..it's about feeling VALUED. I told the casting director to call me again, and she made a note on my release.

Then it was back on the Cross Island. It was a quarter after 9 on a calm summer night. The sun had just turned in, but the sky was still partially illuminated. I couldn't bring myself to drive past the exits for New Rochelle without driving through. I own the complete series of Dick Van Dyke and I watch it several times a week. It feels like coming home. So I did, I went to New Rochelle. And it was a SHIT HOLE. I was afraid for my life...at the red light, I locked the doors, rolled up the windows, and prayed... Then I typed the adress that they used on that show "148 Bonnie Meadow Road" and turns out it was 5 miles away in Scarsdale... I thought about going but remembered an article I read about a driveby, and decided to veer back onto the parkway..... however, there was a steady, ENDLESS stream of cars going 70 mph 3 or 4 lanes... just whipping by. I actually had to put my flashers on and pull into that triangle-like-shape that has the horizontal lines in between an exit and the road, ya know? But it was pretty small so I was still sort of sticking out into the exit lane... it was terrifying. One of those deer-in-the-headlights moments where I just wanted to disappear... I waited and waited for an opening to pull out without any luck. finally I saw a small window of opportunity. There was a car coming, in the lane closest to me, but he was pretty far down (it's so hard to guage how fast cars are going when they're behind you and you just have a second to judge,) the other lanes were open, so I put my blinker on and tried to nudge out so he could see I was coming, hoping he'd change lanes... fucker almost plowed right into me--literally. I had to swurve to avoid a collision, and HE had the balls to honk. Fucker would rather hit me than switch lanes to let me over. My heart was pounding.. that was almost a really hideous accident... all because people fucking suck.

So I did what I always do when I need to restore my faith in humanity--I go home and put on an innocent rerun-- Dick Van Dyke or Full House. And all's right with the world again.

I used to pray for a nothing day...

....be careful what you wish for. Today was terrible. The only prospect I could get was an audition for a science game show. I had to print out the application and bring it into Manhattan. At the actual audition, I'd have to take *AND PASS* a science quiz to earn the opportunity of meeting with the casting director. I would not have passed. I don't even own a printer... so I saved 20 bucks (LIRR round trip) and stayed on the island today. Which was excruciating. After years of working 2 jobs 7 days a week, taking a full class load while simultaneously completing internships...I've often yearned for a relaxed day without anywhere I needed to be and nothing I had to do. I thought it would be rejuvenating and refreshing...... but it was horrendously empty. I slept late, pissed around on the computer for 2 hours, went to the gym, filled up on gas, went to the grocery store, and walked around a lake... I have to duck my landlord during the afternoons because she doesn't know I'm unemployed. She doesn't need to know everything :-).... Anyway, tonight on Craigslist there was a new post about the filming of a TV show in Stamford, CT... 25 dollars for the day (11:30 a.m. call time, should go on for 8 hours.) I have to dress as a "yuppie-business" type (which beats the hell out of the listing for 'Coney Island hookers'). It's just over an hour away so I have to leave here at around 9. I am so relieved to have some place productive to go! Also, I will get the reimbersement for the gas!!!! (25 bucks.) Which would make this, essentially, my first paying gig!!! (except for a kiddie commercial that my whole acting school got to do when I was 9, for which we each earned 1 dollar.) Anyway, it will be leisurely to DRIVE to an event for once and not have to take dirty, stinky NY Public Transportation. Wow, a whole different state... it'll be like a mini vacation. I'm supposed to go to the carnival with my landlord tomorrow evening :-/ dont think I'll make it. Daaarn.

I could post a pic for today of me in PJ pants at 1 p.m. eating peanutbutter with my finger and posting pointless pics on facebook.......but that hardly seems necessary.

7/27

On Monday I went into the city for an audition and a casting call. You're always a bit skeptical going into these things. You found the listing online, don't have any information on the project, the people involved, or even the place you're traveling to for the audition. Yet you blindly go.... well, not you...*I* do.

Very short notice. I saw the postings on Craigslist at 1 p.m. Was dressed and on a train into the city by 2:40 (it was harder than it sounds like it shouldve been.)The first audition --for a "major motion picture" was taking place from 1 to 4. I was set to arrive in Penn at 3:30. Given the fact that the audition took place at 28th St between 5th and 6th Ave (and just in case you don't know, Penn is at 34th and 7th,) I was just gonna make it! I called to verify two things. a) that there were NO FEES!!!! and b) that they would still be accepting hopefuls who came at about 3:45. I got the answers I wanted and boarded the train. Then the subway. With my resume and headshot in hand, I walked up the subway stairs to find a clog of humans on the platform, scared to go outside. There was a downpoor. Extremely heavy rain... I would have waited it out too except... time. I didn't have an umbrella, but I was wearing a jean jacket...so I covered my head as best I could. My bag was pretty big so I put the folder w/ my headshot and resume in the bag, hoping that would suffice--it didn't. I ran to the building (which was very reputable and legitimate looking. Being drenched and with a RUINED RESUME I was hoping it would be a dump.) I gave my ID to the security guard, took the elevator up and talked to the receptionist. Went into the waiting room, recieved a one page script (a part that is clearly intended for a male,) sat down and practiced. I was called into a room where one guy sat at the edge of the desk with a laptop, looking up only a few times to laugh at my nervous jokes. The man who escorted me in sat behind the desk. He asked me a few questions about what would have been on my resume had it not drowned. He then asked me if I had any questions about the part. I said I didn't and he began reading with me. Afterwards he gave me his card and instructd me to email him with my headshot and resume, and also to include what exactly I am interested in. That was it.

Next stop, The Financial District. It was just a little past 4 and the second casting call (for a music video) was being held from 7 to 11. I try, if possible, to get back to Penn before dark... so I wanted to be one of the first ones in and out. Still, I took my time getting downtown. It had stopped raining. I made my way to the subway downtown, took it to Fulton, got off around Ground Zero. Which I didn't realize..I kind of stumbled upon it and was like, why are there so many tourists--ohhh wow! I walked around the Financial District for an hour or so...took pictures. Found my way to John's Street--where I did my on-air financial internship. Finally I made my way to South Street Seaport--the destination. Which was adorable!!!! I had no idea... it's funny when you have no idea where you're going on a daily basis. Sometimes it's petrifying and it feels like your whole life is in shambles and it was a mistake to leave the house that day... and other times it takes you to a place you're elated to discover. It was on the water--which I love--with a lot of boats, street entertainers, well-maintained shops, restaurants, bakeries, breweries--everything! I walked around for a while, not spending any money thanks to my trick of only carrying a 20 into the city--which is exactly what transportation costs between the round trip LIRR ticket to the subway, and maybe a water. Finally at 6 o'clock I went to Pier 17, 3rd floor and went to the pub where the auditions were being held. The Irish (literally) bar tender parlayed a disheartening message--canceled. Or should I say postponed..until next Monday. Same time, same place... different week.

So I had two choices. The boy who works on Wall who I have dated recently but swore to him and to myself that I'd never see him again...or the boy who lives on Rectory who I hadn't seen in a year. I chose to text the latter and we had a nice dinner.

Waking Up Older

Since my last blog, I have had a birthday. I refuse to use the expression "celebrated." Given my fragile emotional state at this particular time in my life-- a period of unemployment and detachment from my family-- I would rather not celebrate another year gone by.

The woman who cast me for the MTV spot emailed me saying she needed extras for a taping of Unplugged. So here we go again:

Wed. July 22. This event took me to a charming area uptown. The call time was 7:15 p.m., with a check-in time of 7:30. So I arrived at 6:45. I walked into the building, which clearly held several more offices and places of business than just the studio I was searching for, and met with an intern (who could have been my daughter, but that's another age reference and we won't go there...) who asked me if I was "with the band or for the audience?" Like I couldn't do her job..... After I finished laughing at her, she informed me that I was in the right place, but "we" were running an hour behind schedule because of Katy Perry--whose taping of Unplugged preceded the one I was invited for. (which was for the band Vampire Weekend, who I had never heard of.) --Side note: I use a LOT of prepositions..that can't be good.

I took the necessary documents that Junior asked me to sign outside on a clipboard (ALWAYS with the releases....yesssss you can use my face on television--PLEASE DO!) As time went on, people started to congregate in groups or pairs-- all the while I am standing there thinking two things, both very typical of aspiring television personalities: a) this is good, only 12 ...16.... 18....28.... 36 people here.. I still have a healthy probability of getting air time... oh good, only 42... 58...6....damn it. and b) is the humidity making my hair frizzy?

Then Katy Perry, leaving from her recording, came out with one woman who appeared to be controling the situation. I stayed put.. already located close to the door (also, not one to get star struck, not really a huge fan of Katy's, and wanting to impress the MTV staff with my calm demeanor.) A few of the bystanders clamored and swarmed her, asking to take pictures. That's when I snapped the quick pic of her up top... I mean, when you're standing 6 feet from Katy Perry and your camera is [as always] within reach, you might as well click it, right? Thennnn the moment I had been waiting for..................

COURTNEY THE CASTING PRODUCER came out!!!!! [to people like me, casting producers are OUR celebrities..they have the POWER to directly make our dreams come true and validate all of our work and sacrifice with the snap of their fingers] This was the first time I had seen her since the call-back audition. It was not entirely her decision to cast us, the producers and, most importantly, NIVEA REPRESENTATIVES, reviewed the video tapes and chose us..also making the final decision on who to cut and who to proceed with.. Anyhow, she raved about the weight loss, and most importantly reported to me: "Everyone loved it! The president was skeptical in the beginning, he was like 'you won't see any change in 4 weeks'--but at the end he was like "wowww the girl looks great!!!" etc etc ...she went on like that for about a minute..I didn't stop her :-) I let her know that I quit my full-time job to persue television full-time. She volunteered to send lots of castings my way...without ANY coersion from me ;-) That went well, it was important for her to see me there. As she put one of those bracelet tag thingies around my wrist she said, "I'll put you down front, we'll get lots of shots of you--you'll be our go-to-hottie" She then went around to the other people and gave them the bracelets.

2 hours later--I kid you not-- but I didn't mind, as long as I'm doing something productive, waiting around doesn't bother me. What else would I be doing? Well, in this case I was missing the staff party at the country club I work at, which I actually really regretted...but there was never any question which I was gonna choose. So yeah; 2 hours later (9:15) Courtney came out with post-its. She numbered and distributed them--I got number 9. She then announced-- "1 through 10 inside." We all piled into the elevator and went down to the basement, where we were asked to line up single-file down a narrow hallway. It's times like this I love being clustrophobic. What really confused me was they brought everybody downstairs and lined us ALL up--all 70 of us in the hallway...before letting the first set into the studio. Whatever..we all stayed in order. A half an hour later we were directed, in groups of 5, into the studio and strategically placed by Courtney. There were seats stacked to to the back of the studio on ONE side, and maybe two or three rows to the left of the stage. Lastly, there were big pillows around the stage. Everyone who is familiar with Unplugged on MTV knows that it is an intimate, accoustic set. I was placed on the big pillow literally RIGHT in front of the lead singer's stool. perfect! The photos I took were from where I was sitting. I had to be a little sneaky because they made a big speach about TURNING YOUR CELL PHONES OFF. "it looks like shit on TV to see audience members texting, and furthermore if we catch anyone recording any part of the show we will be forced to ask you to leave AND confiscate your phone." Heavy... I got by on the technicality that they either forgot to mention NO PICTURES/CAMERAS or mabye it's permissible, but no one else was taking photos so I had to be quick and discrete. I turned the flash off and snapped a few from where I sat while they arranged the other audience members. The orchestra and Vampire Weekend came out. The lead singer was literally 3 feet away from me sitting on his stool... it was like a BJ angle. We'll call it the "Monica Lewinsky angle." Awkward. I didn't take any pics during the set. For all the waiting around (going on 3 hours by now,) they sure got down to business REAL quick. They began playing, and the lead singer kept messing up the lyrics to the first song. He tried 3 times, then decided to skip it and go on to the next song. The director would say stuff like, "hold for us please" and "you guys ready?" and in between songs he'd always ask "is that good with you?" Only once did the band say "we can do that one better" and requet a redo. The director came out with printed sheets of paper and whispered in the lead singer's ear.. he then placed the LYRICS (hahaha) at the foot of the stool, to which the lead singer jested, "that's ..nothing.... ignore that." Embarassing. It was cute though, he said, "as hard as we try to be professional, at the end of the day we're just 4 guys..." So that was endearing and redeamed him in my mind. After 20 minutes, they stood up and said "thanks for coming guys!" The director said the same and told the band members to stick around for interviews afterwards. They then disappeared into the back wall of the set, which I thought was just a wall, but apparently it leads to somewhere because they vanished... just like that. The pictures I took of the band standing on set was after the show just before they melted into the background. Then they shuffled us out into a traffic jam in the narrow hallway. It ended very ubruptly. I got back on the street at about 20 to midnight or so.

I sent Courtney a follow-up thank you email, letting her know I had a great time and I would surely be interested in feauture events of the like. I also emailed the casting producer from the Fine Living Network's show Bartender Wars that I had been an extra for Monday night. I asked her if they had any Production's Assistant jobs available. She told me that there were no openings, but to send her my resume and she would keep it on file. I did this. She replied saying that they were taping another episode on Friday (July 24) and it would be 'great networking.' So I went... it was fine. nothing really to report..no pics because it was exactly the same as the first taping, no new scenery.

Still unemployed. Just unemployed + 1 year older. My birthday fell on a Saturday this year (July 25.) I worked all day at the country club. The chef got me birthday cake and sprinkled special chocolate allll over it, put it on a tray with 4 other pieces for the rest of the hostesses, and the boy I've been dating from work came in with a biggg bag of presents! I felt special <3>

Then my landlord gave me a bag of gifts and a card and took me out to dinner. Very nice.

FML of the day: I called "home" (which, as we all know is my grandparent's house.) My grandma told me I had the wrong number.

On that depressing note, goodnight.

I won't be on Forensic Files

.... went all the way into the city (20 bucks in travel,) got off the subway at 145th Street...did not like the area. Walked to 149th Street and reached the address given, which was a sketchy apartment building. Keep in mind this was in response to an ad posted on Craigslist and the project is "Crime Scene Reenactments." Check please.... turned around and scurried back to the subway station. Shot a text to a cute boy who works in the city "heyy I'm in town, you available?" we met up for a chai tea near Penn. Trip wasn't a total waste........

When I got back home I had recieved an email from the MTV casting producer who helped me get involved with the Nivea project (which I have yet to write about, as it took place before I began this blog. She invited me to a taping of Unplugged (an MTV series which features popular bands playing acoustic sets.) The taping takes place tonight from 7:15 to 9:30. I'll be missing the country club annual staff party, which I was looking forward to, but career first..... ...... .....

You can change your future, But not your past

Yesterday I worked a 12 hour shift at the country club (10 a.m. to 10 p.m.) Today I had one event scheduled--A taping at a bar to be an extra for a TV show called "Bartender Wars." The casting producer contacted me a week ago to give me the information about it. She remarked, "These things are always more fun if you have a friend with you," Translation: we need as many extras as we can get. Then again, they only asked me to bring 1 friend. The dress, as she described it was, "New York Lounge chic" or "If that doesn't make any sense, dress as if you were going to an art gallery or a red carpet premier at a film festival." Does she realize I'm an ASPIRING actress, and not Julia Roberts? No, I don't go to premiers or art galleries and I don't know what the hell "lounge chic" means. So I wore the strapless dress I wore to my cousin's wedding. I was excited to get another usage out of it! Couldn't get my hair right...had to hot roll it and curl it still wet from the shower, which just pretty much didn't work at all and so it looked like I did NOTHING with it... very deceptive, as I had actually devoted an hour and 20 minutes to my hideous hair. Terrible. I wore my fake eyes (blue colored contacts,) jewelery, make-up and dress were fine *but as every woman knows, the hair makes or breaks you.* Can't win every time. Best part of the ensamble--the old, nasty black SCRUNCHY used to pull half my hair back... yes, semi-formal attire aaaaaand a scrunchy. That sums it up.

My call time downtown was 2 p.m. When I arrived there was a crew member checking names off a list and having us sign releases. Closer to the door there was a bouncer checking ID's, since alcohol tasting was part of the deal (everyone who knows me knows I do not drink...more on this in a minute.) There was also a pretty girl standing next to the check-in table nervously checking her cell phone... when I gave the staffer my name, this mysterious girl reminised," I used to know a Meredith O______." I smiled and responded, "Really?? That's funny because it's not a very common name." Oblivious, I made small talk with her... "You lugged a big bag too! It's a girl thing..." so on.........

I gave the bouncer my passport, as my license was stolen (see previous posting, it was in the pilferred wallet) and I have yet to replace it. After verifying that I AM in fact beyond age 21... he let me go inside the dark, narrow space (very typical of NYC bars.) I was directed downstairs by an intern who looked to be about 12...I asked if he was an employee of the bar or the production company, he replied, "I work for the show, as an intern, obviously." :-) Doogie took me to the basement, which was labeled "Patrons Holding." (that's what the extras were called--"bar patrons.") There was a big table of food and an open bar serving free drinks, as well as several crew members circling. The room was divided by a resourceful line of stools sectioning off an area reserved for "Production Staff Only."This included an energetic host who was getting her hair and make-up done, (I was tempted to beg the artist to do something about my hair,) the 3 bartenders who starred in the show, and several busy-looking people with walkie talkies. One lady kept approaching everyone and making sure that they had everything they wanted/needed...meanwhile the casting director stayed just long enough to say "hi! you all look great! thanks so much for coming! byeee!" Nevertheless, it was a networking goldmine. I brought my resume, broadcasting demo and headshot in an envelope. ... and held it awkwardly until I drank the courage to harass...I mean, confront...no, APPROACH these people.

Everyone who knows me knows I DO NOT DRINK. However, those who know me even better are aware that my number one rule of life is: I will do anything (except porn) to be on camera. Drinking is not penetration, therefore it qualifies as one of the things I will (reluctantly) do to be on camera. As I sat awkwardly waiting for my friend to arrive, in an attempt to appear relaxed, I had a drink of some sort, mostly just to hold in one hand and slightly sip occassionally. I met some fellow aspiring actresses and chatted about where they become informed about casting calls, etc... until my friend showed up. We were then escorted upstairs to the studio--a simulated bar scene. There wer 3 bartenders who were given challenges. As they competed for our votes, we were asked to sample each of their drinks (one each round,) and by round of applause, cheer for our favorite. So, for the first time in my life, I did shots..... My friend left early... By 6 we went back downstairs for pizza and after an hour and a half of recording, and drinking for the first time.........While having a mind-altering experience in the dark basement, surrounded by strangers and staff. I just sort of stumbled to the couch and watched the lights swirl and the room spin. The state I was in exasperated the strangeness of the next encounter. The aforementioned girl standing outside when I first arrived came and sat next to me. "Did you go to Markham?" she asked...............wha? Does vodka affect cognition? Did I understand her correctly? In the middle of Manhattan, a girl just correctly identified the elementary school I attended in PITTSBURGH. She then started reminiscing fondly about my 3rd grade teacher, whom I hadn't thought of in yearssss.... It was an all-around straaaaaaange experience. It served as a haunting reminder that no matter where you go or how far you think you've come; you can't escape who you are.

After eating, peeing and consuming copious amounts of water, I felt sober enough to approach the director and inquire about auditioning for hosting positions or, minimally, a PA job (Production's Assistant.) He referred me to the casting director, you remember-the one that left 5 hours prior. I was advised to emai her. Which I did.... again with the run-around. Ya get a lot of that......

Now I must go, because I recieved a script that I need to practice for an audition: Crime scene reenactments. The audition is supposed to take place at an apartment??? I got the notice on Craigslist. This doesn't sound kosher at all.... I think I saw something like it on Forensic Files...hmmmmmm I hope I'll be an actress in the reenactments and not the victim in the case.

These little town blues are melting away....

I had been a nanny for a year since graduating college. Suffocating beneath a mountain of debt accumulated from student loans, I decided it would be a great idea to sink into a profession that offered no benefits, health insurance or retirement plan... Not to mention a pityful salary. A third of my weekly earnings go directly to rent. How much do I pay for 1 room in the attic of a stranger's Long Island home? $150 a week. Not to worry... I have done more with my 6-figure education; I am also a hostess at a country club on weekends.

After years of itching to flee the confines of the safe and secure blue-collar town which held me captive, I vowed I would not repeat the cycle and remain trapped. Within weeks of my 18th birthday I was on a train to the nearest coast. To appease my family, I enrolled in a college--using it as an excuse to escape to an area where things actually happen. I declared my major as Broadcast Journalism, and before unpacking was already attending a meeting to become part of the newspaper staff. I was writing my first article before my first class began. Each week I had at least one article in print. My sections were News and Entertainment, with the occassional Feature story. When the auditions for the campus television station rolled around halfway through September, I eagerly prepared--for THAT was where I ultimately wanted to be. I only wrote to build a portfolio (each article was pressed into a scrapbook) to present at interviews. I yearned to be in front of the camera. Where this compulsion originated is a story for another blog...let's just say, it has been a nagging, burning desire since I was 7 years old.



I am going to speed up the intro. I did not obtain a spot on the television station the first semester. I did, however, win an award entitled "Best New Writer in Entertainment" at the end of my first semester, and earned a co-host position on the television station my second semester. After more pressure from my logical family (who forever have my best interest at heart,) I switched majors to Elementary Education. This decision has haunted me for years. It was a safety net that was intended to satisfy my mother, brother and grandfather (all of whom fret about me constantly.) However, it only worked for my remaining years of college. It was a temporary bandaid, not a permanent remedy. Too soon the time came for me to start "applying" to schools to be a teacher-- benefits! Health insurance! Retirement plan! 401K!!! Yes... what a quaint and stable existence. A mirror of my mother's life... the precise plan I had dreaded..and dedicated my life to avoiding.


Pardon the rant. Allow me to pick up where I left off--I had been a nanny for a year since graduating college. Moving to NY 6 years ago in order to be close to an exciting city thriving with opportunity, I had little chance to take advantage of the area. When I read the college brochure, 25 miles from the city seemed fairly close...until you take into account the fact that it costs 9 or 12 dollars (depending upon whether or not you're traveling Peak or off-peak) EACH WAY for a Long Island Rail Road ticket to Penn Station... and who can find the time to make it between working 2 jobs, taking on a full class load, internships, and school clubs and activities. I do take full responsibility. It is up to each of us to make the most of our situation at any given time. Especially around the end of my sophomore year, when it came time to find an internship (the reason the school was so geographically appealing--a NYC media-based internship!) The pressure from family, as well as my own fears, insecurities and self-doubt, resulted in my bailing and seeking the refuge of a "safe" degree (which I NEVER intended to use.) After graduating, I needed fast fash (rent money,) STAT. This lead to a trap of working 2 jobs, 7 days a week just to support living in the area. Which, for the past 14 months can only be described as my living in a stranger's attic. What is the point of working soo hard to afford such shitty circumstances, sacrificing and suffering, to live in the land of opportunity....when all I can do here is work to stay here? Well... I finally quit my full-time job. I left on good terms; I gave my boss two week's notice, and last Friday they children threw me a party, complete with pizza, munchkins, ice pops, a Full House on DVD marathon, decorations, cards, homemade jewelery and cards from both the kids and parents. It was enormously touching actually. It was a special day for me. Knowing I would be going into the city frequently, as I made it clear I would be dedicating my time to auditions, the mother got me a month's LIRR card (a value of $175) for August and a new purse, because, as the little girl put it, "the one you always carry is ripping and the zipper is broken and we can tell you needed a new one." Sweet and mildly insulting... but it was extremely touching. What really got me was the mother's card, as it was all about dream chasing... "Success comes to people like YOU--Best of luck as you pursue your dreams..." Hallmark really has thought of every occassion.

It has been exactly 1 week since I made dream-chasing my full time job. Here is the week in review.

Friday night: I came "home" (side bar: In this blog, the word "home" will ALWAYS appear in quotations, as the blogger does not currently have a conventional home. My mom sold our house in Pennsylvania over a year ago and moved back in with her parents... and, as I mentioned before, I rent a room in an old lady's attic...so there is no "home," just similations of such in the form of places I am allowed to go and sleep.) I came "home" feeling melancholy... yet, after the celebration the family gave me, I also felt appreciated and almost loved. It was a strangely ambivalent mood. The 'warm and fuzzy' feeling mixed with an amost ominous sense of being lost. Internally shouting, "I am free!!!!" While simultaneously internalizing, "Holy shit--I am unemployed......" the latter portion being considerably less exciting. To further complicate things, I cannot tell my landlord that I am unemployed, because she will fret constantly (jittery personality type,) adding further stress on me. I have no doubt that I will be able to pay rent every week, but it will put her on edge to know that I will no longer be gainfully employed full-time.

Saturday: I woke up with this wonderful feeling of freedom. I remember my first thought being, "From now on, each day will bring hope and promise." Despite the fact that I knew I was working at the country club from 10 a.m. until 9 p.m., I still had this tremendous intuition that from now on, each day would be productive. Where as before, everyday was filled with work work work (which, don't get me wrong, is an important part of the dream chasing process, as we still need to support ourselves!) Now, I would either be working to pay rent, or attending an audition or meeting of some sort. Finally... this is the day that it set it. This was the time in my life I have waited for from the time I was 7 years old. The CHANCE to pursue my dream whole-heartedly. I may not make it. I may end up a first grade teacher in Iowa.......but I'm going to go down swinging.

Sunday: ...will live in infamy. There was an audition being held in Soho. The online posting read "1 p.m. to 5 p.m. at the Holiday Inn." It was for a short film. Judy Bowman, a very noteworthy NYC casting director, was handling the audition. I couldn't wait. I found a script online, picked 1 part for which I wanted to try out, and put on my Sunday best. Being a weekend, the train ticket was off-peak. (Remember, the LIRR pass that was a gift from my former employer was for the full month of August, this was halfway through July.) Now, I usually buy a one-way at the LI train station, and another from Penn when I'm ready to return. However, one of those cloudy, inexplicable flashes of intuition probed me to buy a two-way that day. So I did, and placed the ticket in my purse as opposed to in my wallet (where all tickets and passes usually go.) A train and subway ride latter and I was walking the streets of Soho by 4 p.m. (it has been less than a week and I already feel as though I have learned a lifetime's worth of invaluable lessons...for instance, I am cringing to read how late I was for this audition! Live and learn, kids...) By 4:20 I was arriving, script, headshot and resume in hand, at the Holiday Inn where I was astonished by the mass of gorgeous human beings anxiously awaiting their turn. Each of them with either a handheld mirror or the script in their hands, the line wrapped around the lobby. I was then informed that there was a separate line to sign-in. I was THEN told that they were "cutting off" auditions............ I never got a chance to read. I left irritated and disappointed. The worst kind of frustration--the kind you feel towards yourself. They did not cancel the auditions... hundreds of hopefuls who made it their priority got a shot. That's all I expect, just a chance. So I walked the terrible, crowded streets of Soho griping about the roughtly $20 in travel I wasted coming into the city.... trying to search for a way to validate the trip. Just when I had admitted defeat and begun the shuffle back to the subway station, I felt my tattered bag shift and suddenly feel lighter on my shoulder. I whipped around in time to see a man abruptly leave the mass of people behind me and walk across the street. Instinctively, I checked my bag, with an urgent inner-outburst of, "my wallet!!" Yes.... this small-town dream chaser was pick-pocketed. I am NOT a victim! It was my fault, it was a large bright yellow bag with a broken zipper that was continuously open, with the wallet laying on top...just an irresistible invitation to a rotten thief. Remember the aforementioned brand new, nice, beautiful, SAFE bag the family I worked for bought me because the little girl said I NEEDED a new bag? That's called foreshadowing, kids. So-- my subway card, the month of August LIRR pass, $65 and my driver's license were really the only items of value to be mourned. As well as my spirits (but only for a short time :-) THANK GOD i had bought a 2-way ticket and placed it in my purse and not in my wallet.... but now how to get to Penn Station from Soho? Well, you walk about 40 blocks North of course ! It was about 5 in the afternoon on a nice sunny summer day... safe, comfortable...... I can't complain. As my dad said, "you've learned an invaluable lesson, 65 bucks and a long walk? You got off easy." How very Danny Tanner of him.

Monday: I went to the beach with one of my managers from the country club. More on my deep love for the sea in another post. But trust me, it was a productive day. I got a tan, I got exercise (when I go to the beach, I play in the waves... burns several cals,) good networking for my job, the only source of income I have left, and it replenished my soul. I also went to the gym later that night.

Tuesday: I went into the city for a meeting with a talent "development" company--that was a scam. They wanted 100 bucks "for pictures"... I went to another meeting with a legitimate firm...where I got denied. And an audition at CBS for a dating game show! Sounded like a lot of fun! Haven't heard from them :-(

Wednesday: This was a fun evening! An audition for a reality TV pilot! The flamboyant and boisterous producer wanted it to differ from most casting calls. So he rented a small bar; you know, one of those narrow, cramped NYC spots. The posting said 6:30-10 p.m... Honey, I got there at 5. I stood there chatting up the first few members of the crew that showed up! I opened the place, haha. And, by God, I was the first one to appear on that audition tape. I met a bunch of great girls, several of whom were at the Soho audition!!! After filling out a questioniairre and being interviewed off-camera, I answered 1 question on-camera (what do you hope to gain from this exerpience?) ... we were then directed to go upstairs to the lounge area and relax if we had the time, as the producer wanted to speak with us individually. Oh, I had time. So I went, had a diet soda, chatted with the other hopefuls about everything you'd expect aspiring actresses and actors to discuss (rent, auditions, headshots, moving to the west coast, improv classes, etc...) Finally the producer came around (with a camera!) and bluh bluh bluh... I haven't heard from this prospect either, but it was a great experience.

Thursday: Last night! GREAT great night. At 4:30 p.m. I get a facebook invitation from an old college friend (gotta keep those Media Majors contacts) about an event up-up town (109th St.) at a bar. Apparently The Today Show cameras were going to be there. Well, that's all I needed to do my hair REAL quick, throw a Demo in my bag (one that zipped!!) and hop on a train. I had no idea what the segment was about. When I got there, I tried to relax and act casual... finally the cameras arrived, and to my surprise, a pretty host was present! I figured they would just be getting a quick shot of the crowd...but they did a whole segment. While they were in one corner interviewing a group of people, I approached someone who looked important to me (good enough,) and asked her if I could be on. She said, "sure, what's your name? ....I'll have her come over to you soon." Easy enough... so apparently the segment was on pick-up lines! (Now the bar setting makes sense.) So I figured the approach would be how ANNOYING us girls get (the hot host and myself) by these laaaame pick-up lines that guys try....but apparently the hot host was trying to get some numbers herself!!!! hahaha it was sooo funny (clearly just for laughs/just for the cameras)... So she says to me, "Let's go pick up a guy!!!" (on cam) I'm like-- "ok! Let's go!" hahahahaha (Aside: I'm NOT the bar type, and am sure as HELLL not the type of girl to go pick up a guy! Besides, at this point in my life, I am so immersed in pursuing a career in one of the most difficult industries, that getting a guy is the last thing on my mind and agenda.) I will do anyyyyything for face time (you will see a lot of this phrase) So I go up to this random guy ( on camera) and say, "Heyy...I lost my number, can I have yours?" I kid you not...to which he replies, looking into the camera like a dear in the headlights, "I'm married." I played it off, laughed, 'ohhhhh that hurts...' looked into the camera and said, "he's a good one!" then back to him, "Give this tape to your wife for an anniversary gift, it's golden..." then I looked at this friend and said, "How bout you? I can see your left hand, you cant lie to me! There's nothin on it" Then the host took over... because ya know, that's her job ;-) Then the important looking behind-the-scenes woman (don't you love my official-sounding, professional media terms?) came up to me and said, "we're gonna have you do it again over here," and one of the camera girls laughed, "you're so funny, you'll do anything!" hahaha she catches on quick! So we went up to this cute guy and the host and I did that bit where we go, "don't we know you from somewhere? Yeahhhh!!!! You... yeah! You don't remember us??" it was cute... so that was it, and the important looking woman asked for my name for the segment. She started to get out a pen but, as it was a dark bar, she just asked if I had a card... I said, "I have something better than that," and I gave her my broadcasting demo--a DVD which has my first and last name and phone number clearly printed--IN BOLD--on the front. Of course I was nervous, because you never know if these people are going to get annoyed ...but she reacted quite well to it. A little surprised, she was just like "oh! That's perfefct.."and I said, "Do you have any Productions Assistant jobs available right now? I know I'm not qualified yet to be on the air..." she replied, nicely, "I don't know, I don't work in the human resources division, but I will pass this along to someone who does." Didn't really believe her...but she was quite sweet. Funniest part of all, minutes later the third guy we approached came up and bought me a drink (diet coke with lemon) and chatted me up, asking for my number, etc...... turns out his cousin works for The Today Show and he was a plant. When the host and crew saw us talking all closely, the host exclaimed, "we made a match FOR REAL!!" hah... Before the important looking woman left for the night, I shook her hand, and she said, "Good luck," again...very nicely...but I doubt if anything more will come of it. That being said, I had a great time!

Friday: A meeting here on Long Island, 3 miles away from "home," ...another scam. Show me the door. Yawn.

Well now you're up to speed! Tomorrow (Saturday) and Sunday I work at the country club. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. and 10 a.m. to 8 a.m. respectively.

Monday I have a shoot scheduled to be an extra in a bar (a " bar patron" if you will) for a new TV show called "Bar Tender Wars"? I think? Or something... doesn't matter. It takes place 2-6 in the city. I get to wear a pretty cocktail dress! Excited!!! :-)